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Once upon a time, in a place called Brooklyn, a group of Jewish people lived a simple and pious life. We called them Modern Orthodox. Modern Orthodox men and women always covered their heads, following a tradition born in an age before Rogaine was invented. Men wore skullcaps called YAMULKES and women wore little kerchiefs called TICHELECH. In time a new generation arose and abandoned the quaint customs of their parents. Men began to wear a wide-brimmed hat to SHUL so that they could engage in a good-natured competition known as, “Mine is wider than yours.” Women began wearing expensive human hair wigs that looked far more attractive than their natural hair which was forbidden to be seen by anyone other than their beautician.
In time, wide-brimmed hats came to define the Jewish People (EBRIM in Hebrew). The few remaining YAMULKE wearers came to be looked upon as heretics and were heavily maligned, degraded to the point of being forced to serve on the Synagogue board of directors. Sensing the evil of mindless hatred that was threatening to destroy the Jewish Community, a group of Big Brim sages, most notable of which was the Baal Brim Tov, became concerned that many proper Jews were wearing YAMULKES because they were unable to afford proper Jewish headgear. They formed a charity organization called the B’nai Brim that saw to it that sincere unfortunates, unskilled in underground financial dealings or whose heretic parents refused them support, could obtain a proper topper without the degradation of having to work. The B’nai Brim now made it possible for Big Brims to hate only genuine YAMULKE Jews.
Soon an even more ominous threat loomed over the Jewish people. As the ever-competitive Big Brim Jews demanded wider and wider hat brims, American makers of male headgear found they lacked the skills to properly fashion a wide hat brim that remained horizontal. Hat brims began sagging more and more under their own weight until they began dragging on the floor. Big Brim Rabbis were furious and considered banning Wide Brim hats because it was disrespectful to have anything other than one’s TZITZIS drag on the floor.
The year 5732 (1972) saw Big Brim Judaism near extinction and also saw the release of the movie, The Godfather. Big Brim Jews were forbidden to watch television or movies (unless they sit in the last row so the hats don’t block anyone’s vision). The Godfather itself was banned by Big Brim Rabbis because it contained a scene with a nude horse, but rumors began to pervade the Jewish community that the wide-screen Mafiosi were wearing wide-brimmed hats that seemed sturdy enough to sustain Wide-Brimmed Judaism.
Upon investigation, it was determined that these hats were made by a family-owned hat business established in Alessandria, Italy in 1857. Their claim that they could fashion a hat brim that could stretch from Naples to Pompeii and remain horizontal was investigated and found to be true. The Italian hat industry was saved. The Jewish People were saved - and thus dawned the Borsalino Era.
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